Skip to main content

Some days are just hard

Today is one of those days. If I’m really going to be very real about this stage of life we're in, I feel compelled to share the hard days too. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t need anyone to do anything for me, I just want to bring light to the fact that you don’t just “get over” a pregnancy loss (or 3). It never truly goes away. It’s grief. And grief comes in waves. Some days it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you think “where did that come from?” Some days there are triggers everywhere that set it off. Today is one of those days for me.

I’ve been doing pretty well. I haven’t cried much since the last loss, I haven’t felt like a crazy person, I actually have been feeling pretty great. The support that I’ve gotten from this blog, and the fact that I’m putting those feelings on paper, really helps. But there will always be set-backs.

This morning I woke up sad. I wasn’t really sure why, I was just sad. I started browsing Instagram and not only saw all of the babies in their precious “valentines” outfits, I saw a friend’s pregnancy announcement. I’m truly happy for them, but didn’t think it would affect me the way it did. They didn’t have an easy road to get where they are. But it’s still one more couple that made it to that joyous milestone where they could share their happiness with the world. One more reminder that we’ve never made it to that milestone, and some days it feels like we never will. I had a cry, felt a little sorry for myself, and then was determined to get moving and not let it control my day. So I get in the car to go to the grocery store.

I got a call on my cell as I got in the car, from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered and the guy on the other end of the line says “Hi, I’m calling from Babies R Us, and I noticed your due date is soon approaching so I wanted to let you know we sent you a 10% off coupon in the mail.” I stopped him short in his tracks and said “Stop. I’ve had two miscarriages since I started this registry, so I want you to remove me from all forms of communication and delete my registry.” I got through that without crying, but then his voice went real quiet as he apologized and promised he would remove me. I hung up the phone just as I lost it. I’m pretty sure if my neighbors were outside, they could have heard me crying in my car, in the garage.

I pulled myself together and headed to the grocery store. That’s always a little tough for me, because everyone at the grocery store in the middle of the day is either pregnant or has a baby in tow. At least that’s what it feels like from my vantage point.

On the way back from the grocery store, I checked the mail. I knew I had a package in there, so I thought that would perk me up. My package was there, yay! But there’s also a postcard from Babies R Us, the one that he referred to on the phone, with a picture of a pregnant woman and it says “countdown to baby.” Seriously?!

I got home and went online to make sure he deleted my registry (he did) and went to delete my Buy Buy Baby registry that I was pretty sure was still up (considering I got an email a couple weeks ago that said “With your baby’s arrival fast approaching…”) Of course they don’t make that process easy. There have to be lots of other women who deal with this – how have they not figured that out?! So I had to call and explain to the lady that we’ve had losses, and I don’t want any form of communication.

I’m over it. Today is just a crappy day. I’m sure tomorrow will be better, but in the meantime I just may shut myself off from the outside world so I don’t have one more trigger today!  


  1. I remember going off on someone from the Honest company for not having an online option to cancel autoshipped baby goods, to give dignity to grieving parents after my first loss. The poor guy was crying with me by the time I hung up on him. You're entitled to these days. I'm so sorry you were through so much in one day.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Our Tiny Miracle - Kaylee June

Let me tell you about a little girl who has stolen our hearts, but almost never came to be.
After three natural pregnancy losses and two rounds of IVF (in-vitro fertilization), we started our third round of IVF in the summer of 2018. Two of our pregnancy losses were due to chromosome issues so we did PGS (Pre-implantation Genetic Screening – checking the chromosomes of embryos for abnormalities) testing for our first two rounds of IVF. All (4) of those embryos were deemed “abnormal”… they either had an extra chromosome or they were missing one. And they were all issues that were not compatible with life. So going into round 3 we were looking for a “fresh start”. To our surprise, our doctor (who is amazing at thinking “outside of the box”) suggested we forgo the PGS testing for our 3rd round. Each of our chromosome abnormalities, including two of the pregnancy losses, were all different abnormalities (it was a different chromosome missing or extra each time). So he thought it wasn’t …

Life Update and the Holiday Season

I've been pretty quiet over here lately. Truth is, I'm somewhere in between wanting to soak up every single second I have with these babies (and making the most of what free time I do have) and knowing I have an amazing opportunity to educate others on post transplant and post "trying-to-conceive" life. And I struggle with sharing the hard days because as hard as some of them feel, I constantly have a voice in the back of my head saying, "but these struggles are for good reasons". As we get closer to Christmas I have such mixed feelings. I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about the fact that this is our first Christmas with not one but TWO babies. And Reid is almost one year post liver transplant (how is that possible?!) And then I think of all of the families, the Sparks in particular, that will be experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one. And the couples who thought for sure THIS would be the Christmas that they'd have a baby in …

After the Storm

I’ve stared at a blank page on my screen several times over the last few weeks, trying to find the words. Today I’m committed to sharing, no matter how those words come out. So please bear with me.
Over the last few months, I’ve dealt with some serious anxiety. And I’ve avoided sharing. Because I had babies recently. And often the response is, “You’re a new mom, it’s normal to have anxiety.” And that’s true. It is normal to have “new mom” anxiety, and to have a new level of stress that comes with raising tiny humans. However, what I’ve been dealing with is so much more. I wake up in the middle of the night with a pit in my stomach and have to catch my breath. I often think about losing my husband or one of our babies, and I spiral into a pit of anxiety. Every time I walk up and down the stairs with a baby in my arms, I am anxious that they are suddenly going to throw themselves out of my arms and go over the railing. If Reid doesn’t do something for the babies the exact way I would …