Some days are just hard

Today is one of those days. If I’m really going to be very real about this stage of life we're in, I feel compelled to share the hard days too. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t need anyone to do anything for me, I just want to bring light to the fact that you don’t just “get over” a pregnancy loss (or 3). It never truly goes away. It’s grief. And grief comes in waves. Some days it will hit you like a ton of bricks and you think “where did that come from?” Some days there are triggers everywhere that set it off. Today is one of those days for me.

I’ve been doing pretty well. I haven’t cried much since the last loss, I haven’t felt like a crazy person, I actually have been feeling pretty great. The support that I’ve gotten from this blog, and the fact that I’m putting those feelings on paper, really helps. But there will always be set-backs.

This morning I woke up sad. I wasn’t really sure why, I was just sad. I started browsing Instagram and not only saw all of the babies in their precious “valentines” outfits, I saw a friend’s pregnancy announcement. I’m truly happy for them, but didn’t think it would affect me the way it did. They didn’t have an easy road to get where they are. But it’s still one more couple that made it to that joyous milestone where they could share their happiness with the world. One more reminder that we’ve never made it to that milestone, and some days it feels like we never will. I had a cry, felt a little sorry for myself, and then was determined to get moving and not let it control my day. So I get in the car to go to the grocery store.

I got a call on my cell as I got in the car, from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered and the guy on the other end of the line says “Hi, I’m calling from Babies R Us, and I noticed your due date is soon approaching so I wanted to let you know we sent you a 10% off coupon in the mail.” I stopped him short in his tracks and said “Stop. I’ve had two miscarriages since I started this registry, so I want you to remove me from all forms of communication and delete my registry.” I got through that without crying, but then his voice went real quiet as he apologized and promised he would remove me. I hung up the phone just as I lost it. I’m pretty sure if my neighbors were outside, they could have heard me crying in my car, in the garage.

I pulled myself together and headed to the grocery store. That’s always a little tough for me, because everyone at the grocery store in the middle of the day is either pregnant or has a baby in tow. At least that’s what it feels like from my vantage point.

On the way back from the grocery store, I checked the mail. I knew I had a package in there, so I thought that would perk me up. My package was there, yay! But there’s also a postcard from Babies R Us, the one that he referred to on the phone, with a picture of a pregnant woman and it says “countdown to baby.” Seriously?!

I got home and went online to make sure he deleted my registry (he did) and went to delete my Buy Buy Baby registry that I was pretty sure was still up (considering I got an email a couple weeks ago that said “With your baby’s arrival fast approaching…”) Of course they don’t make that process easy. There have to be lots of other women who deal with this – how have they not figured that out?! So I had to call and explain to the lady that we’ve had losses, and I don’t want any form of communication.

I’m over it. Today is just a crappy day. I’m sure tomorrow will be better, but in the meantime I just may shut myself off from the outside world so I don’t have one more trigger today!