Our "secret" Frozen Embryo Transfer

So, we did this thing. Almost two weeks ago we went in for a “secret” embryo transfer. We thought, “how cool would it be if we could surprise our friends and family with good news?!” so we didn’t share publicly about this transfer. Although, if I’m being completely honest, that wasn’t the only reason we didn’t share. I was also trying to protect our hearts, and keep us all focused on Reid’s transplant journey.

 

On August 1^st, we transferred one of our day-6 “good fair fair” embryos. We had weeks of prep leading up to the transfer, which included oral estrogen and a new nightly injection of progesterone in oil (PIO). We remained “cautiously optimistic.” And until this past Monday, I really believed that it had worked and we were pregnant. All of my hormone levels had been right in range and my progesterone was higher than it had ever been before. This was it. But it wasn’t.

Our official “beta” (blood test to confirm pregnancy) wasn’t set until Wednesday, the 15^th (today, if you’re reading the day I’ve posted). But I was so sure it was going to be positive that I asked – well, begged – my doctor’s office to go ahead and test when I went in on Monday. This round Reid and I agreed that we would not be testing at home. We’d wait for the blood work, and let them tell us. Because at this point we know too much, and we know how crazy testing without having the blood work to back it up makes me.

Monday afternoon one of my nurses called and said “Abby, I’m so sorry.” Really?? Are you serious?? But I had almost every pregnancy symptom in the book, and I was just so sure.

We are heartbroken, mad, disappointed, and all of the other feelings that you would expect. Some days I really have a hard time seeing how we’re going to get to the other side of this and be holding babies in our arms. The more “no’s” and “not yet’s” we hear, the harder it becomes to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish so badly I could say “we’re okay, I know this is going to work out.” I mean, we’ve been through this type of disappointment enough times, shouldn’t we be used to it by now? But I’m not going to lie, I’m bitter. And super angry. Those are the emotions that have taken over the last few days. I also feel like a failure. I have hesitated to share this because I thought I needed to get to a better place before sharing. Since we’ve had more people following our story, I have put more pressure on myself to keep things as upbeat as possible. Which has resulted in me not sharing the hard times as much. And that’s not real life. This is real life. I’m angry. I’m bitter. I can’t understand why we have to try so hard to have a baby, yet some are able to plan out their pregnancies. And I won’t even go into the unplanned pregnancies that result in babies who are not cherished and properly cared for.

I have put my body through hell to try to have a baby. I have prayed, I have begged, and I have cried more tears than I want to admit over the last four years (officially this month). We have endured countless tests. I have been injected with hormones 101 times. I have had I don’t even know how many blood draws and transvaginal ultrasounds. We’ve gone through 4 pregnancy losses, 3 egg retrievals, and 2 embryo transfers. Seriously, what more can we do? I’m tired. I feel like I’m nearing my limit. And I feel like our support system is too.

When I started blogging in January of 2017, I wasn’t sure what to expect. But I did not think that a year and a half later, I would still be sharing the heartbreaks.

We do have one frozen embryo left, so we’re not totally out of the game. And we are going to move forward with transferring our last embryo soon (I don’t have dates yet, and not sure whether we’ll share them when we do). We are praying and hoping that this last embryo is our healthy baby. And if not, we’ll figure out where to go from there.

We appreciate and need all of the love, prayers and positivity you have to spare over the next month. I know that this saga seems to be never ending. I am so tired of sharing bad news, and I’m sure you’re tired of reading/hearing it. But as worn down as we feel, as hopeless as we may be some days, we still feel like we have to keep fighting for our baby. So, please check on us. Send us words of encouragement. Ask us to hang out. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say so. Just let us know that you’re there and behind us. You have no idea how much that helps. Please don’t offer advice, or make suggestions. I know we may seem crazy for jumping into another transfer so soon, but know that we aren’t doing it without great thought. And if this doesn’t work, and we have to make more decisions, those will be even tougher. From the outside looking in, it may seem obvious to you what we should do next. But let me tell you, it’s so much more complicated than that. And the decisions that we make are not made lightly.

If you are reading this, you are making a difference in our story. I hope that by sharing our heartbreaks, we are showing others that they are not alone. But we also need the support, and we appreciate it more than we can say.