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Anniversary of a Loss

One year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I walked into my doctor’s office excited and optimistic, ready for my weekly ultrasound and to see our baby. Over the past week, my pregnancy symptoms had increased, and I had shared the good news with all of our family and friends. This was finally happening. We were going to be parents and had made it to 9 ½ weeks. And then the doctor started the ultrasound and the look on his face told a different story. He said in a very soft voice “I’m so sorry, but there’s no longer a heartbeat.” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Take it back! But he couldn’t.

If you want to hear the whole story of that pregnancy, you can go here. This post isn’t to relive that day… I do that in my head often enough. This post is to say that a year later, I’m a different person. That experience changes you. For me, it has made me a much stronger person. I remember sitting on my couch that day, staring blankly and just repeating to my husband over and over again that I couldn’t do this. I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t try to have another baby. I wanted that baby. That was our baby. And now it was inside of me, dead. I didn’t think I could get through that day or any of the days to come. How could I? We had tried for 2 years at that point, and had already had one ectopic pregnancy that landed me in emergency surgery, and now this? I just couldn’t understand. And I didn’t feel like I could go on. But I did.

The weeks and months after that were hard. Extremely hard at times. But we have an amazing support system, and I’ve learned to lean on them even more. I’ve realized that in order to be strong, sometimes you have to admit you’re weak. That sounds totally backwards, but I swear it’s true. I had always tried to be so strong, and not let anyone see me break. But now I had no control over it – I was broken and couldn’t pretend not to be anymore.

Those same friends and family were also there for me today. Yesterday I was having a really crappy day. I didn’t get the results I’d hoped from my ultrasound for IVF (more on that later), and I couldn’t stop thinking about what today represented, and I became anxious and angry and sad. So I told people. I told my closest friends and family. I told them how I was feeling, so they could support me today. And they have.

Today still sucks, remembering that day and realizing we still don’t have a baby to hold. But it is so much easier knowing we have friends and family grieving with us. And I’m sure I’ll be aggravated when I take my hormone injection tonight, as I realize how hard we have to work to have a baby when it seems to come so easy for others. But I’m okay. We’re okay. I truly believe that God has assigned us this mountain to show others it can be moved. And sometimes I am pissed at him for that. But we’ll make it. I am determined to have a success story to share, and we’ll all celebrate so hard when that day comes.

I feel like a broken record, but thank you to everyone who is supporting and praying for us. We feel the love, every day. And appreciate it more than I can even say.  

Also, if you have a baby please hold them extra tight tonight, and appreciate what you have. When you find yourself frustrated, try to remember that so many long for the sleepless nights and messy houses. If you’re currently pregnant, cherish every one of those terrible pregnancy symptoms, because there are so many who would trade their perfect health to feel all of those symptoms. Please, at least for this one night, soak it all in and appreciate all that you have! 


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