Skip to main content

Anniversary of a Loss

One year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I walked into my doctor’s office excited and optimistic, ready for my weekly ultrasound and to see our baby. Over the past week, my pregnancy symptoms had increased, and I had shared the good news with all of our family and friends. This was finally happening. We were going to be parents and had made it to 9 ½ weeks. And then the doctor started the ultrasound and the look on his face told a different story. He said in a very soft voice “I’m so sorry, but there’s no longer a heartbeat.” I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Take it back! But he couldn’t.

If you want to hear the whole story of that pregnancy, you can go here. This post isn’t to relive that day… I do that in my head often enough. This post is to say that a year later, I’m a different person. That experience changes you. For me, it has made me a much stronger person. I remember sitting on my couch that day, staring blankly and just repeating to my husband over and over again that I couldn’t do this. I didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t try to have another baby. I wanted that baby. That was our baby. And now it was inside of me, dead. I didn’t think I could get through that day or any of the days to come. How could I? We had tried for 2 years at that point, and had already had one ectopic pregnancy that landed me in emergency surgery, and now this? I just couldn’t understand. And I didn’t feel like I could go on. But I did.

The weeks and months after that were hard. Extremely hard at times. But we have an amazing support system, and I’ve learned to lean on them even more. I’ve realized that in order to be strong, sometimes you have to admit you’re weak. That sounds totally backwards, but I swear it’s true. I had always tried to be so strong, and not let anyone see me break. But now I had no control over it – I was broken and couldn’t pretend not to be anymore.

Those same friends and family were also there for me today. Yesterday I was having a really crappy day. I didn’t get the results I’d hoped from my ultrasound for IVF (more on that later), and I couldn’t stop thinking about what today represented, and I became anxious and angry and sad. So I told people. I told my closest friends and family. I told them how I was feeling, so they could support me today. And they have.

Today still sucks, remembering that day and realizing we still don’t have a baby to hold. But it is so much easier knowing we have friends and family grieving with us. And I’m sure I’ll be aggravated when I take my hormone injection tonight, as I realize how hard we have to work to have a baby when it seems to come so easy for others. But I’m okay. We’re okay. I truly believe that God has assigned us this mountain to show others it can be moved. And sometimes I am pissed at him for that. But we’ll make it. I am determined to have a success story to share, and we’ll all celebrate so hard when that day comes.

I feel like a broken record, but thank you to everyone who is supporting and praying for us. We feel the love, every day. And appreciate it more than I can even say.  


Also, if you have a baby please hold them extra tight tonight, and appreciate what you have. When you find yourself frustrated, try to remember that so many long for the sleepless nights and messy houses. If you’re currently pregnant, cherish every one of those terrible pregnancy symptoms, because there are so many who would trade their perfect health to feel all of those symptoms. Please, at least for this one night, soak it all in and appreciate all that you have! 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Our Tiny Miracle - Kaylee June

Let me tell you about a little girl who has stolen our hearts, but almost never came to be.
After three natural pregnancy losses and two rounds of IVF (in-vitro fertilization), we started our third round of IVF in the summer of 2018. Two of our pregnancy losses were due to chromosome issues so we did PGS (Pre-implantation Genetic Screening – checking the chromosomes of embryos for abnormalities) testing for our first two rounds of IVF. All (4) of those embryos were deemed “abnormal”… they either had an extra chromosome or they were missing one. And they were all issues that were not compatible with life. So going into round 3 we were looking for a “fresh start”. To our surprise, our doctor (who is amazing at thinking “outside of the box”) suggested we forgo the PGS testing for our 3rd round. Each of our chromosome abnormalities, including two of the pregnancy losses, were all different abnormalities (it was a different chromosome missing or extra each time). So he thought it wasn’t …

Life Update and the Holiday Season

I've been pretty quiet over here lately. Truth is, I'm somewhere in between wanting to soak up every single second I have with these babies (and making the most of what free time I do have) and knowing I have an amazing opportunity to educate others on post transplant and post "trying-to-conceive" life. And I struggle with sharing the hard days because as hard as some of them feel, I constantly have a voice in the back of my head saying, "but these struggles are for good reasons". As we get closer to Christmas I have such mixed feelings. I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about the fact that this is our first Christmas with not one but TWO babies. And Reid is almost one year post liver transplant (how is that possible?!) And then I think of all of the families, the Sparks in particular, that will be experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one. And the couples who thought for sure THIS would be the Christmas that they'd have a baby in …

After the Storm

I’ve stared at a blank page on my screen several times over the last few weeks, trying to find the words. Today I’m committed to sharing, no matter how those words come out. So please bear with me.
Over the last few months, I’ve dealt with some serious anxiety. And I’ve avoided sharing. Because I had babies recently. And often the response is, “You’re a new mom, it’s normal to have anxiety.” And that’s true. It is normal to have “new mom” anxiety, and to have a new level of stress that comes with raising tiny humans. However, what I’ve been dealing with is so much more. I wake up in the middle of the night with a pit in my stomach and have to catch my breath. I often think about losing my husband or one of our babies, and I spiral into a pit of anxiety. Every time I walk up and down the stairs with a baby in my arms, I am anxious that they are suddenly going to throw themselves out of my arms and go over the railing. If Reid doesn’t do something for the babies the exact way I would …