Skip to main content

International Bereaved Mother's Day

I had no idea this was a thing. I wish it wasn’t. I wish there wasn’t a reason to have an International Bereaved Mother’s Day. But I saw it in my news feed today. So there it is – today is International Bereaved Mother’s Day.

I’ve been struggling with Mother’s Day approaching, and how I feel about it. I struggle with calling myself a “mother”. A “bereaved mother”, yes. But a “mother”… there’s some grey area there, at least in my mind. I haven’t had sleepless nights due to an infant crying and waking up for feedings. I haven’t set up a nursery. I haven’t nursed a baby. I haven’t gone through labor. But still, I feel like I am a mother. I have planned for a child’s life. I have cried tears of happiness because I have so much love for the tiny human inside of me. I have felt the pregnancy pains. I have taken naps on the couch because my body is working so hard to create life. I have worried about my child’s health. So “bereaved mother” is fitting. And I’ll take this day as my “mother’s day”.

Mother’s Day, while definitely a time to celebrate the mother’s in my life – my mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my aunts, my friends - is also a time of sadness for me. Especially after the last year. The first Mother’s Day I experienced as a “bereaved mother” was in 2015. We had just lost our first baby due to an ectopic pregnancy a couple weeks earlier. And we had planned to announce to our family at a Mother’s Day lunch. That lunch came and I sat through it with a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes. This Mother’s Day, I am not only mourning that loss, but two additional ones. By this Mother’s Day, I thought for sure we’d have a baby to love and hold. Our 2nd baby’s due date was April 6th. I was so looking forward to celebrating a Mother’s Day as a mom of a newborn. But instead, I “celebrate” International Bereaved Mother’s Day. Instead I dread Mother’s Day with all of its happiness for those with babies in their arms. How can such a joyous day for so many be such a dread for me? I’m happy for two of my best friends who are celebrating their first mother’s day. But I am SO sad for myself.

Today we “celebrate” all those mothers who hold their babies in their hearts, instead of their arms. The “bereaved mother has experienced the unimaginable, yet she is still able to walk.”

So today I will mourn. Today I will have my Mother’s Day. Today I will think about my babies and how much I love them and wish they were here with me. And next week I will do my best to focus on my family members who are mothers… the ones that have been there to “mother” us through the struggles we’ve endured over the last couple of years.


Happy International Bereaved Mother’s Day to all those mother’s that are experiencing anxiety as we approach Mother’s Day… this day is for us.  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cholangiocarcinoma and the Fight for a Liver

2:00 in the morning, and I’m wide awake. Let me tell you something about myself… I very very rarely have issues sleeping. Like I can count on one hand the times that I haven’t been able to sleep through the night. I’m that person that will wake up, roll over, and go straight back to sleep. But tonight I’m wide awake.
Today was a rough day.
Hell, the last two weeks have been rough.
My husband is believed to have cancer. In the bile ducts. Which is the thing that we’ve feared the most over the last four years. And the worst part? They can’t even prove it with biopsies, because it’s that far into his bile ducts, and that hard to detect. Our saving grace was always, “if he gets cancer, as long as we catch it in time, we’ll be able to automatically get exception points on the transplant list, and that will move him up the list quickly.”
But we can’t even do that. I feel stuck. And afraid.
Two weeks ago, Reid had a Spyglass (ERCP) procedure because his Houston transplant team noticed …

The Story of our First Potential Living Donor

I am so excited to share the story of our first potential living donor with you. The conversations with this guy, and the selflessness of his offer, have touched our hearts in so many ways.
In January of this year, I woke up to a Facebook message from a high school friend, Desmond Parker. And I laid in bed crying as I read it. He couldn’t sleep the night before and decided to re-activate his Facebook account. The first thing he saw in his timeline was a blog post that I’d written with an update on Reid’s health. And something in him said “I need to help”. He spent the next hour or so researching living donor transplants before messaging me, and he “couldn’t find a reason why NOT to do it.” His message said that he wanted to be tested to see if he was a match for my husband.
Y’all, I hadn’t talked to this guy in several years. He had never met my husband. He felt no obligation to us other than we had a need, and he wanted to help (cue the tears). Dez checked all of the boxes on pape…

The Outcome of our 1st Embryo Transfer

On June 14th, we went in for our first ever embryo transfer. Since we weren’t PGS testing this time, our doctor suggested we go for a day-5 fresh transfer. We agreed that we would make a game-time decision as to whether we would transfer one or two. And we ended up transferring two morula embryos.
Since that day our emotions have been up and down. I started out being so optimistic and surprisingly calm (so calm that Reid felt he needed to be the nervous wreck to counterbalance). I was quite confident this would work, and we’d be celebrating a pregnancy soon.
Our doctor’s office had me come in last Monday (4 days past transfer) to check my progesterone and estrogen levels (both hormones they have you take to better the chances). Levels came back within normal range, and I was so happy to see that (we almost always have to add more hormones during any pregnancy). On Thursday of that same week, however, it was a different story. My hormone levels dropped and the doctor wanted me to st…