Skip to main content

Milestones and Anniversaries

I’ve mentioned that everyone dealing with pregnancy loss(es) has milestones and anniversaries that hit us, and they’re hard. I’ve been struggling with some of those lately.

Reid and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary this week, and I’m so happy for that. But it also reminds me that 3 years into our marriage, we’re not pregnant, and have no living babies. I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but it sure feels like it. My sister and her husband (boyfriend at the time) bought us a really nice wine box for our wedding that has a slot for 1st Anniversary, 3rd Anniversary, and 5th Anniversary, and a wine bottle in each. I love it – such a great gift. But I thought for sure that for one of those first two anniversaries I’d have to pass on the wine. I can assure you I drank plenty of it on Wednesday night. And that makes me a little sad.

I HATE April. It marks some very hard milestones for us. We discovered we were pregnant with our first on April 17th, 2015. I was rushed into emergency surgery on April 29th, removing both the embryo and my left fallopian tube. Our due date for our 2nd baby was April 6th, 2017. I should have a nursery ready, and a hospital bag packed right about now. And with our 3rd, I had marked in my mental calendar that I would be almost halfway through the pregnancy and would be starting to show (even though I didn’t believe it would work out, I still had my moments of hope where I would plan for the future). So April sucks. If I could skip over this month, I absolutely would.

I have so much anxiety going into this month, but I’m still trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to focus on it, but it creeps in. I may think I’ll be perfectly fine when those days hit, but I may actually be an absolute mess. That’s the thing about grief, you never know when it will hit you. And how hard it will be.

So today, I just ask for your thoughts and prayers, and words of encouragement. I try very hard to focus on the good, and I feel like I’ve been doing so well. And then here comes April, with all of its terrible milestones and anniversaries.  

I’ve booked up our April in hopes that keeping busy and having fun will keep my mind off of it. Reid and I are taking an anniversary trip next weekend, we’re doing a Walk of Hope - for those struggling with infertility - on the 23rd, and we’re going to San Antonio with some very good friends the last weekend.

I do have one more request of my friends this month… If I cancel plans, go dark, or just seem to be having a bad day, please just give me a little grace. I’m trying.


Update on Reid’s health: He is feeling much better, but still on antibiotics. He had the midline removed from his arm last week. We go back to see the liver specialist in two weeks and they’ll do a Spyglass procedure to see how much the disease has progressed, and we’ll discuss next steps from there. Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers for him. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Our Tiny Miracle - Kaylee June

Let me tell you about a little girl who has stolen our hearts, but almost never came to be.
After three natural pregnancy losses and two rounds of IVF (in-vitro fertilization), we started our third round of IVF in the summer of 2018. Two of our pregnancy losses were due to chromosome issues so we did PGS (Pre-implantation Genetic Screening – checking the chromosomes of embryos for abnormalities) testing for our first two rounds of IVF. All (4) of those embryos were deemed “abnormal”… they either had an extra chromosome or they were missing one. And they were all issues that were not compatible with life. So going into round 3 we were looking for a “fresh start”. To our surprise, our doctor (who is amazing at thinking “outside of the box”) suggested we forgo the PGS testing for our 3rd round. Each of our chromosome abnormalities, including two of the pregnancy losses, were all different abnormalities (it was a different chromosome missing or extra each time). So he thought it wasn’t …

Life Update and the Holiday Season

I've been pretty quiet over here lately. Truth is, I'm somewhere in between wanting to soak up every single second I have with these babies (and making the most of what free time I do have) and knowing I have an amazing opportunity to educate others on post transplant and post "trying-to-conceive" life. And I struggle with sharing the hard days because as hard as some of them feel, I constantly have a voice in the back of my head saying, "but these struggles are for good reasons". As we get closer to Christmas I have such mixed feelings. I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about the fact that this is our first Christmas with not one but TWO babies. And Reid is almost one year post liver transplant (how is that possible?!) And then I think of all of the families, the Sparks in particular, that will be experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one. And the couples who thought for sure THIS would be the Christmas that they'd have a baby in …

After the Storm

I’ve stared at a blank page on my screen several times over the last few weeks, trying to find the words. Today I’m committed to sharing, no matter how those words come out. So please bear with me.
Over the last few months, I’ve dealt with some serious anxiety. And I’ve avoided sharing. Because I had babies recently. And often the response is, “You’re a new mom, it’s normal to have anxiety.” And that’s true. It is normal to have “new mom” anxiety, and to have a new level of stress that comes with raising tiny humans. However, what I’ve been dealing with is so much more. I wake up in the middle of the night with a pit in my stomach and have to catch my breath. I often think about losing my husband or one of our babies, and I spiral into a pit of anxiety. Every time I walk up and down the stairs with a baby in my arms, I am anxious that they are suddenly going to throw themselves out of my arms and go over the railing. If Reid doesn’t do something for the babies the exact way I would …