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Milestones and Anniversaries

I’ve mentioned that everyone dealing with pregnancy loss(es) has milestones and anniversaries that hit us, and they’re hard. I’ve been struggling with some of those lately.

Reid and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary this week, and I’m so happy for that. But it also reminds me that 3 years into our marriage, we’re not pregnant, and have no living babies. I know that doesn’t seem like a long time, but it sure feels like it. My sister and her husband (boyfriend at the time) bought us a really nice wine box for our wedding that has a slot for 1st Anniversary, 3rd Anniversary, and 5th Anniversary, and a wine bottle in each. I love it – such a great gift. But I thought for sure that for one of those first two anniversaries I’d have to pass on the wine. I can assure you I drank plenty of it on Wednesday night. And that makes me a little sad.

I HATE April. It marks some very hard milestones for us. We discovered we were pregnant with our first on April 17th, 2015. I was rushed into emergency surgery on April 29th, removing both the embryo and my left fallopian tube. Our due date for our 2nd baby was April 6th, 2017. I should have a nursery ready, and a hospital bag packed right about now. And with our 3rd, I had marked in my mental calendar that I would be almost halfway through the pregnancy and would be starting to show (even though I didn’t believe it would work out, I still had my moments of hope where I would plan for the future). So April sucks. If I could skip over this month, I absolutely would.

I have so much anxiety going into this month, but I’m still trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to focus on it, but it creeps in. I may think I’ll be perfectly fine when those days hit, but I may actually be an absolute mess. That’s the thing about grief, you never know when it will hit you. And how hard it will be.

So today, I just ask for your thoughts and prayers, and words of encouragement. I try very hard to focus on the good, and I feel like I’ve been doing so well. And then here comes April, with all of its terrible milestones and anniversaries.  

I’ve booked up our April in hopes that keeping busy and having fun will keep my mind off of it. Reid and I are taking an anniversary trip next weekend, we’re doing a Walk of Hope - for those struggling with infertility - on the 23rd, and we’re going to San Antonio with some very good friends the last weekend.

I do have one more request of my friends this month… If I cancel plans, go dark, or just seem to be having a bad day, please just give me a little grace. I’m trying.


Update on Reid’s health: He is feeling much better, but still on antibiotics. He had the midline removed from his arm last week. We go back to see the liver specialist in two weeks and they’ll do a Spyglass procedure to see how much the disease has progressed, and we’ll discuss next steps from there. Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers for him. 

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